he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
