I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
