How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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