When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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