i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
