WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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