Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
