Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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