I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
