So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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