HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
