I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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