You made me cry and you don't even care
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
