it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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