there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
