I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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