Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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