I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
