Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
