she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
