If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
