How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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