apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
