his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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