if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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