I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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