i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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