what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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