my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
