I puked a lego.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
