yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
