i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
