this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
