I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
