so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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