I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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