I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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