if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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