You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
