Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
