Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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