i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
