I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
