What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
