we have pet lesbian snakes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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