I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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