1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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