I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
