I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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