My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
