He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
