I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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